The shape of a heart

Sunday mornings and coffee seem to be the time when the words flow easiest for me. This morning I was thrown back to a time when I was the witness to the end of a young marriage. My best friend had married a young woman that for whatever reason fit nicely into the world he was creating. It’s not where they ended up and he’s not that man today, but at the time their union made everything seem right with the world.

I remember when things fractured and then eventually broke between them. She went off to her new life in a nearby city and he got on his antique BMW and drove to Canada. I became the keeper of his home, his business and what felt like his heart. I was not worthy of the task because of my own shortcomings, but I attempted to carry the load and I think helped save him from the abyss.

While they were off in opposite directions and I was caring for their abandoned home, I remember walking in their bedroom. It was a bright sunny day and the light poured in and bounced off the yellow walls. The sheets and blankets were a mess and I remember being struck by the idea that this is where their best and worst times may have happened. Holding each other close and whispering “I love you”, or laughing until the tears appeared in the corners of their eyes. Arguing over petty things or misguided moments. Meaningless confrontation with life-changing repercussions.

As a reflect back on that today, the music that reminded me of that moment was Jackson Browne’s song In The Shape Of A Heart.

You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
What breaches and faults are concealed
In the shape of a heart

If I knew then what I know now, what would I have said that would be different? I would tell them things that drive them apart are so much smaller than the things that brought them together. Breaches and faults of the human heart lay deep below the persona we’ve created to present to the world. We look for someone that we can share that with. When we find “the one”, we share those wounds hoping they can heal what they have no ownership of. Often we resent them for what is ultimately an inside job.

I can’t rewind time so there is no solution for them. Thankfully I have found the healing for myself. Today I am a father, a friend, a journeyman in the truest sense, I am Everyman and I am a reluctant agent in this thing called life. My hope is that I can help another across their Great Divide and live a life beyond their wildest dreams. The answer does live within a heart, just not someone else’s…my own.
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I wish you peace and love…
Time to brew a fresh pot!